Shoes, Ships, and Sealing Wax

Thoughts

Some thoughts from the memorial service for my friend last night:

When I heard the news Monday that the victim of Friday's hit and run was a friend of mine, I was furious at the driver. Enraged, especially when I heard that charges had not been filed. (I haven't been able to find out yet if they have; newer fatal accidents have pushed this item off the news in the last week. I may never know.)

During the service last night the singer did a piece with no actual words. I can't really describe it...it was almost like a wail, or a scream, except it was melodic and beautiful. While I listened I thought about the person who killed my friend. I've been full of hate and anger at this person, but maybe part of that is because it's the most convenient way to make sense of a sudden and shocking death, finding someone responsible and blaming him.

I doubt the driver got up Friday morning looking to kill someone. And while it was so wrong for him to leave the scene, I can think of many reasons why he might have done it. And I can't say for sure that in a moment of horror and fear I might not make the wrong decision myself. I've also had the fear that my actions, however unintentional, might cause someone else's death or injury. I don't know how I'd live with myself, and for all I know, the driver is trying to figure that out himself right now.

It is not for me to hate the driver, and that's one thing that I realized during the service last night. Besides, doing it just takes away from thinking about my friend, which is far more appropriate.

I saw a lot of people last night that I've been out of touch with lately. We all said the same thing...it's such a shame it takes these circumstances to get us together. I'd like to say I know better now, I'll take the time to write and call and make plans, but I know that's not the case because I've said the same thing to people at funerals before. It's a simple fact that in the ebb and flow you end up close to different people at different times. I'm just grateful we still get washed back together when we need each other.

I knew my friend pretty much in one context only (from the AIDS Ride), and though we talked about his work some (he was in a field in which I'm interested but not terribly knowledgeable), there were sides to him I never knew. Listening to people speak last night I realized, wow, I wish I'd known him better. Much like knowing I'm not really going to be seeing old friends more often because I saw them last night, I don't think I'll really be trying to get to know people better because of this realization. I want to remember, though, that everyone (not just my friends and aquaintances) is more complex and interesting and talented than I realize.

There may be more. I think that my...spiritual search, if you will...is to come to peace with death, and I have a long way to go.

Posted by Nic at April 1, 2004 11:45 AM | TrackBack