Because lately I can't pass a bar.
That's actually not true. I've had a few more glasses of wine that usual, but I'm not drinking in an attempt to avoid my problems. I'm just trying to be funny. My sense of humor ain't what it used to be.
If I weren't a freaking mess now, I think I'd find lots of humor in the kitchen thing and in the ant infestation (in case you're curious, I'm not avoiding the chemical assault because of my wacko love for all creatures even ants, it's because I don't want to poison my actual pets.)
I can't hold back any more. The Reader's Digest condensed version of what has been bothering me:
One of my staff is being terminated.
The idea of him being gone is not the stressful part. I need this guy gone. He is unreliable, not particularly good at the work, and his "antics" (what he's appearing to get away with) have trashed morale and productivity in the group.
He should have been fired long ago, jobs ago, but the documentation was insufficient. When he was transferred to my department my boss gave me this reassuring advice: "If anything happens...document it."
Here's what's bothering me:
Technically, I'm still not 100% sure that he's being fired. The lawyer needs to see if my year of documentation is sufficient. It has to be...we actually had two signed written warnings including "further violation will lead to disciplinary action up to and including termination"...and coincidentally, his most recent violation occurred on the day that the high-ups met to decide his fate.
That's another thing. It's my department and I who bear the brunt of this guy's problem causing, yet I have no actual decision-making power. That's stressful.
(My readings in Buddhism about lack of control have not been helping me with this.)
Everybody thinks the lawyer's on board, though. But I don't know when it's gonna happen, or how. I've never fired anyone. Well, not that I'm really doing it now, but I'm assuming I'll need to at least be around to see it. I am the manager. I'm dreading this day with every fiber of my being. The dread was made worse by a couple off-hand comments:
"Do you think we'll have a security issue?"
"I don't see him as the type to come back with a gun. He's more likely to jump off a bridge."
I needed both those images in my already overactive brain. Should I be nervous? This guy knows where I live. A couple of people have joked about this guy being like the stereotypical psycho killer: quiet, a bit weird, kind of a loner. But I'd have to say the second depressing idea does seem more likely. This guy is about to be cut lose from a company where he's worked for his entire adult life. When you get away with something for that long, of course you get complacent. I don't think he sees this coming at all.
He has chronic medical issues (which he freely shares in gruesome detail...I learned to let calls from his number go to my voicemail first thing in the morning, lest it ruin my appetite for the day). His mother is in a nursing home with advanced Alzheimer's. When you hear him talk about his life, you get the sense he sees a vast conspiracy against him. I don't think he has a good safety net.
Which leaves me feeling horrible. I shouldn't feel guilty. This guy got away with too much for too long. I know why it happened...previous supervisors felt bad for the guy. I feel bad for the guy. It was easier for them to just shuffle him off to a different job rather than to face ugly scenes. Hell, everyone involved hoped he'd find a niche where he could hide and provide some useful work. It's just my bad luck to be the last place in the company to try to hide him, and he didn't stay hidden.
So I say I don't feel guilty, but I feel like I'm sharpening an axe, and I'm really uncomfortable with that.
Posted by Nic at May 27, 2005 08:19 AMI had the employee from hell once. I did the discipline route repeatedly. I even suspected her of being on drugs. Other staff smelled alcohol on her breath. The problem? She was the CEO's goddaughter. I couldn't get rid of her, but the ongoing torment every day was enough to make me quit. Which I did -- a lot sooner than anyone expected.
In your case, I assume you're in an at-will state. Meaning, you can fire somebody because they chew bubble gum and not have to tell them the reason. It's hard when you know their life circumstances, I understand. But I am a good worker and I spent five months killing myself to find a job last year -- you never know that your dream employee is going nuts because they can't find a job and meanwhile you're stuck with a nutjob. Look at it as a new beginning for everyone involved -- him to re-evaluate his performance/behavior/career path, you to remove a bad seed from your department, and your future employee who will love and appreciate you!
Posted by: dawn at May 27, 2005 06:30 PMI've been in all of those situations, just not all at once.
You can't be responsible for his reaction. Your first consideration has to be the job performance of your entire team. Sometimes an employee refuses to do the job they're hired to do, and your only choice is to terminate them. That's just doing your job the best you can.
I understand your compassion, but you need to let it go as best you can.
Posted by: Ted at May 27, 2005 08:12 PM"My readings in Buddhism about lack of control have not been helping me with this."
*what* have you been reading??
Does this help?
rather than 'lack of control', how about...
surrender
acceptance
groundlessness
and, the biggie:
COMPASSION...for yourself.