Shoes, Ships, and Sealing Wax

Just another day

Something was nagging me all morning.

I got off to an anxious start anyway; the first traffic report I heard in the car this morning mentioned an accident on the routes taken by my sister and one of my friends. The reporter said "97 is closed at 650 for a fatal accident." My sister takes 650 across 97, my friend comes down 97 past 650. I left my sister a voicemail when I got to the office: "Hey, it's me. Gimmie a call." Nothing, just need to make sure you aren't dead. My friend made it in only a little late, and my sister called eventually, then I could breathe. Sometimes I wonder if I ought to be taking Paxil.

Something was still bugging me, though. Every time I signed something I was thinking July 27...am I forgetting a meeting? An appointment? Around lunchtime it hit me. July 27 was my wedding anniversary. It was a long time ago...the divorce was a hundred years ago, so the wedding must have been two hundred...but it brought up a lot of emotion that I didn't really want to examine today. But even though I didn't want them, the bastards kept knocking on my brain all afternoon, demanding attention.

When I got home the sun was out despite the forecast for another cool and rainy day, so I decided to skip the gym in favor of a walk. Sun and pondering, I decided. I'll deal with the emotions down by the lake with the geese and the turtles.

I have house envy. I don't like my place much...it's a generic early-70's townhouse suffering from my deficiencies on top of all the weird things previous owners have done. There are houses after which I lust, though, like in the next neighborhood. The townhouses there are bigger, with detached garages and brick walls around the back yards, and there's one I pass with the nicest landscaping. In the dead of winter it is tidy, the rest of the year it is tastefully colorful with trimmed shrubs and stone accents.

Coming down the street this afternoon I noticed the shingles on the roof of the house I like were peeled back. Then I saw the missing windows, the black and crackled studs, and the sunlight on the other side. Rubble covered the garden, punctuated by black-eyed susans and petunias.

The garage was untouched, pleated curtain in the window.

I could smell the charred smell.

The houses on either side had blue tarps on the roofs, and one had boards over the windows and a broken-in front door.

I am scared of fire. I have had an electrician check our basement wiring, not trusting the work of previous owners. If I could afford it, I'd install sprinklers. I unplug the coffee maker and the toaster when I'm not using them. Sometime I wonder if I ought to be taking Paxil.

I got down to the lake. The marriage/divorce emotions were still swirling, but I was also thinking about the strangers living my nightmares.

I typed this out hoping that by the time I was finished I'd have insight...a lesson learned, a pat line to wrap this up. Nothing is coming to me, so I will just ponder some more.

Posted by Nic at July 27, 2004 05:24 PM