I went down to the lake at sunset last night hoping to find the beaver. No luck, just lots of bug bites. When I did see the beaver...and the frog, and the rabbit, and the deer, and the swan...I wasn't out to look for anything, I was just taking a walk.
I bet there's a Zen saying about this somewhere...not seeking and finding; finding when you aren't seeking.
We had to have one of the rats put to sleep today. I stayed home with him all day...I was afraid he'd go downhill quickly and I wanted to be able to rush to the vet before the 6:00 appointment if necessary. I also wanted to be with him to make sure it really was the right choice, although it's hard to know.
He was such a good rat. He was a rescue we didn't intend to make; one afternoon the vet just called and asked if we wanted him. His former owners had asked that he be put to sleep because they couldn't treat his mite infestation, and the vet wouldn't do it.
We weren't looking for him, but there he was.
I'm very conflicted about death; stuggling a lot to find peace, wishing I had faith that there was something afterwards, that my friends, family, and pets have not completely ceased to be.
I lost another old rat, Bob, in January. Bob had his quirks, one was hissing at his cagemate for no good reason. He was just a grump. This spring when I got back outside and starting seeing the geese, they reminded me of Bob with the hissing.
I know Bob wasn't reincarnated as a goose. Geese have been hissing at me for years. Bob's only been dead a few months, and the geese hissing at me now are a few years old. But sometimes I sorta think I have a vauge feeling of sensing Bob...until I look for it and it goes.
I find that with people I miss, too. I get half a sense of them being with me, then I remember--no, he's gone!--and I rush to grab that half a sensation and try to follow it, to find them, to understand, and I lose it all.
Maybe I need to stop looking.
Posted by Nic at May 25, 2004 08:21 PMIt is always hard to loose a small furry friend, when i had to have my last one put down, Hermione, I balled like a complete baby.
But unfortunatly good things dont always last forever And the right choice i find, is quality of life the moment they dont have it thats when it is time.
My condolances.
Posted by: Jeremy at May 26, 2004 06:07 AMSo sorry about the little guy.
I just lost my first pet in December. I wish I had some words of wisdom...but I think everything you're feeling is 'normal' (whatever that means). Give yourself the gift of making room for it.
It's tough to lose a pet, but even though there will be others, Bob and Witter and the rest will always be with you.
Posted by: Ted at May 27, 2004 08:17 AM